Nobody Writes em Like They Used To

Setting: A room with blinding white walls, ceiling and floor. In the middle of the room there is a white elevated table with four white bar stools with stiff wooden backs that are also painted white. The room smells faintly of disinfectant. There is a door. The doorknob slowly turns as three people and a Wookie enter and take seats around the table.

Jeff: ... So that's why I'll never use toilet paper to wrap a novelty gift again.

All others: EWWWWW!!!!!

TE: Speaking of disgusting do any of you use the first sheet of toilet paper?

Conf: What do you mean Edison?

TE: You know the piece of toilet paper that holds the rest of the roll together when you open it up.

Jeff: Why would there be a problem with that? It's still tissue paper.

TE: Cause there's glue on it dip shit. There are stickiness issues.

Chewie: Mrrrroumpgh! Mrrrooummpggh! ughhh! ughhhhhh!

All others: EWWWWWW!

Conf: That my hairy friend was uncalled for.

Jeff: I dunno. I still think it's fine. I mean tissue paper is still tissue paper. You of all people should know that MR. Edison. For God's sake you invented the...(Edison punches Jeff across the face sending him to the floor, unconscious)

There's nothing gay about it in our eyes. It's guy love between two guys.

Ok I'm back. I am getting bored of the standard blog procedure. You know what I'm talking about noble blog reader. Me starting off with a lame joke, then bitching and moaning, and then me sobbing for twenty minutes in a corner praying that the peanut butter jar isn't empty for my midnight consolation snack. That hole will never be filled with food Jeff.

I've decide to explain what is going in my life with a cast of historical figures. They will help me explain my thoughts and feelings to the world. So without further ado, let me introduce my new best friends:

Thomas Edison is a famous American inventor. Best known for his invention of the light bulb, he is also credited with numerous other discoveries such as the telegraph, and the carbon mircrophone which is used in all telephones. He also fathered 6 children (that we know of) with two different women. Say hi there Mr. Edison.

Thomas Edison (TE): Blow it out of your ass there Jeff.

A little rude, Mr. Edison, a little rude. Moving on we have Confucius. Confucius is a famous Chinese thinker and social philosopher who's ideas have influenced Eastern culture. He also enjoys back rubs and occasionally likes to git r' done. Confucius you're up.

Confucius (Conf): Confucius say's hello and to eat your greens, and respect your elders, and be humble, and...

That's enough there Confucius. I swear once you get that guy going he'll never shut up. Trust me. Lastly, for today, Chewbacca. I know what you're saying Chewie is not a real historical figure. Listen people! Just because he was born in a galaxy far, far away does not exclude him from the historical society. He was, after all born a long time ago. Chewie, go ahead.

Chewie: Mrrrrouwmpgh!!! Mrrrrrrrrrooooouwwwmogggggghhhh. Mrrr.

Yes, yes Chewie we know you love to watch Trading Spaces in your spare time.

So that's the crew for now. So let me tell you what's going on in my life in the new and improved Thoughts from Cerebro v.2.




Jeff Hou (JH): So guys I got a new job in Houston! And I'm going to London on Saturday for training! Isn't that exciting?

TE: I always hated London. It's always raining.

Conf: Confucius says that rain is good for crop like discipline is for child. For you see...

TE: O shut the fuck up Confucius! Always with the rain and children and the fucking discipline!!!

JH: Mr. Edison there is no reason to...

TE: Why "Mr. Hou"? if that is what you actually are. I mean for gods sake what sort of man watches Project Runway? and a marathon of Project Runway for that matter. Don't you tell your best friend that you love him on numerous occasions?

Chewie: Mrrr Mrrr Mrrr.

JH: Laugh it up fuzzball! It's a good show! And it doesn't mean what you're thinking it means!

TE: Sure Annabelle. Sure.

JH: I hate you Mr. Edison. I hate you.